I Lost a Daughter

I feel like shit, there’s no easy way to put this. Yesterday, at around 4:30 pm my time, I had to say goodbye to my beautiful dog Titania. She was 14 years and 4 months old. I adopted her when she was 9 months old and had her with me ever since. She was the sweetest and kindest baby ever, a lovely soul that filled my days and my heart with nothing but joy. Unfortunately, she also had a lot of health issues.

When she was 6 years ago, a routine examination detected a heart condition. She had a flaw in one of her heart valves that could potentially be fatal. There was no surgery for it, her only hope was to be put on pills and hope for things to stay controlled. At the time, the veterinarian told me she could die at any moment but I refused to believe that and, together, we fought hard. She defied all odds by being around eight more years but other issues started to creep in with time. She developed arthritis, chronic bronchitis, various cysts on her body, and a hernia on her backside, and, little by little, she started to wither away. I almost lost her to a viral infection on Christmas 2021 but she persevered until yesterday.

Following a terrible case of explosive diarrhea over the weekend, my sweet baby started telling me she wouldn’t be able to hold on for much longer. I took her to the hospital and I was told her organs were starting to shut down. Her heart was weak, her kidneys were failing, and her bladder was destroyed… She could no longer eat on her own and trying to keep her alive would mean suffering and torture for a week or more. I couldn’t do that to her and so I had to give her the rest she needed, much to my sorrow. I know it was an act of mercy, but I’m still heartbroken.

It’s the second time I’ve had to put a dog to sleep in my life. I lost Titan to cancer in 2014 and when he was gone, I’m not sure he recognized me anymore. Titania did. She wagged her tail at me while I kissed her and held her in my arms as the vet gently did what needed to be done. I’m a fucking mess who can barely keep it together right now. What I wouldn’t give to have my sweet girl home with me.

I’m trying to stay strong but it’s hard. Site updates will be erratic for a while as I try to pull myself together to take care of my other pets, now a dog and a cat. There will be no new Patreon posts until the end of the week because what I do requires a creative mind, and my creativity is shattered right now. If you’d like to help with the hospital and funeral expenses, you’re welcome to do so by purchasing one of my books in the meantime or becoming a patron, but I don’t expect anyone to do so. Right now, I need to grieve, and writing this text is part of trying to do so. 

I lost my daughter and a significant part of me. I’ll always love you, Titania, and I hope to see you again when I’m gone from this world as well.